Day 12 - Realizing that people pleasing has been a blocker for me

"I need to care about what people think of me, in order for them to like me."

Hello! If you're new around here, my name is Krystal and I've committed to journaling every day for a year. I write these raw journal entries. What is unique about my style of writing is that I don't necessary follow the rules or writing. My aim is to write as closely to how I talk. What you will also find in my journal entries is transparency. I give you front row seat to my inner dialogue. That inner critic who shows up from time to time, I show you exactly when it shows up and how I shift. My hope is that I inspire you to keep on going despite what your inner critic is telling you in the moment.

March 11th, 2024

Ok, alright. We are making progress.

Yesterday felt like a weird day. And I think that is because it was daylight savings spring forward. 

I just felt off and as you could tell in my writings that there was a lot of inner conflict dialogue going on. 

The other thing that is stressing me out is the going live thing. The pressure I'm putting on myself to do that is really getting annoying.

What I would normally do is just quit. But this time around I get to choose differently. 

I get to choose the inner dialogue that I am going to listen to.

I enjoy doing it. 

But the inner dialogue says.

What’s the point in doing it?

You’re not making any money doing it so why keep doing it 

You’re just going to get bored of it and you’ll have to keep innovating to keep people's attention 

It's way too much stress to keep thinking about the meals and menus you're going to be making

Going live two days a week isnt enough. So why bother doing it at all. 

So yah, that inner dialogue aka the inner critic is relentless. Every turn I take, it’s there. 

And I know I'm not alone in this. Everyone has that sneaky inner critic who says stuff like this. Each of our inner critics have different flavors of how they speak to us. 

I just recall how brave and strong I am. I used to be a poor kid in school. I recall a time in 5th grade where I didn't shower very often and I wore the same clothes to school pretty much everyday. I could have felt embarrassed but I didn't. And the kids could have made fun of me. But they didn't. For that I am thankful. 

For days like today it's good to recall a younger me who was resilient and didn't really care about what others thought. I believe because I truly didn't care no one bothered me and surprisingly a lot of kids still liked me and respected me. 

So now as an adult, I'm not sure If care so much about what people think about me, Its more about am i doing the right things to make money. And the thoughts that come from that.

“I have to be liked to make money”.

 Then that changes things for me and I think that there is a lesson here for me.

I think what I am sniffing out here is that I am having some people pleasing tendencies coming out here. 

Yeah, that's what it is. My construct about pleasing people is becoming ever present to me.

Ahh it’s all making sense to me now. All of those swirling thoughts were swirling this deeper thing and I can start to see that now.

Ok so, “people pleasing”.

The relationship I have with this is interesting. 

I have to be liked in order for people to buy things from me.

Don't care about what people think.

If those are both true, then I need to care about what people think in order for them to like me.

If I am not caring what people think about me, then I'm creating distance between myself and them. 

Reading this back and writing it out  feels like actual spaghetti inside of me right now.

So I’m getting caught up in this and I've been caught up in it for a while.

And which is also why it's important to set big goals. Because when I set big goals I get the chance to face off with my inner critic. The bigger the goal. The louder it gets and inner the inner dialogue that has been lurking behind the scenes, actually comes out. Because now that being comfortable is actually at risk, it needs to speak up. 

Otherwise without setting those goals, the inner critic can just be there whispering, lurking, keeping you right where it wants you. 

My inner critic does not want me to do these bigger things that are way outside of the comfort zone. It would much rather keep me safe where it's comfortable.

Because I committed to blogging/journaling every day and cooking 2 times per week live on tiktok, my inner critic is pulling out all the stops. 

And I’ve felt it. I know that the inner critic is all over me when I feel tired for no reason. And I want to take long naps in the afternoon, when I want to sleep in, When my house starts to get messy. These are all signs that my inner critic is loud and in my ear.

When it’s loud, I know I’m up to something.

My inner critic is also relentless when I'm just lounging around too. It loves to chirp in my ear when I'm just trying to relax, and says silly things to me like 

You’re not doing enough. You shouldn't be resting now, there is more to do.

So in either situation I get to shift my thoughts from those to things that actually serve me.

And again, I've been playing these thought tapes for a long time. And in this case, the people pleasing tape has been there for a long time. I’ve been somewhat aware of it. From time to time it pops up. 

But this is the first time that I'm really taking a look at it. I don't need to spend time processing where it comes from, why is it here?

Because if I do that I'll get pulled further into its trap. 

The best thing to do in this situation is to choose a new thought, and take committed action.

And honestly its kinda hard for me to come up with a new thought right away because I’ve been living with the ones above for so long. 

And then there are all the other thoughts that are tied to it the came with it. -- which we saw yesterday. 

Ok so let me try on a few thoughts.

A question for myself first, How can I not care about what people think and still be liked?

I get to focus on making genuine authentic connections with people

I get to focus on being a contribution to others. I know my skills are valuable and that is the whole purpose of this blog and cooking. I'm looking to connect with people who deeply want to make changes in their life, but their inner dialogue keeps them stuck. So I get to bring awareness to that and help them learn how to shift.

With this, I can surrender the old thoughts and pick up the new ones.

Ok that is enough for today, see you tomorrow.

Much Love,

Krystal Diel